“For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton: A Critical Analysis

Introduction: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

“For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton, first appeared in 1961 in her collection, Live or Die, ischaracterized by its raw, confessional tone, exploring themes of love, betrayal, and the complexities of human relationships. Sexton’s vivid imagery and emotional intensity capture the pain and anguish experienced by the speaker, who is forced to confront the loss of her lover to his wife. The main idea of the poem is a lament over the inevitability of separation and the enduring power of love despite its challenges.

Text: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
Let’s face it, I have been momentary.
vA luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.
She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,
has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter’s wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,
done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.
She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission —
for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound —
for the burying of her small red wound alive —
for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother’s knee, for the stocking,
for the garter belt, for the call —
the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.
She is so naked and singular
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.

Annotations: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Line from Poem	Annotation/Explanation
She is all there.	The speaker acknowledges that the wife is complete and whole, unlike the speaker who sees herself as temporary or incomplete.
She was melted carefully down for you	The wife has been shaped and molded for the lover, suggesting she is everything he needs, possibly through years of dedication.
and cast up from your childhood,	The wife is familiar, reminiscent of something from the lover’s past, connecting deeply with him, as though she embodies his memories and upbringing.
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.	“Aggies” refer to marbles, a childhood game. The wife represents childhood joy, nostalgia, and comfort, forming a lasting bond.
She has always been there, my darling.	The wife’s presence is enduring, long before the speaker entered the lover’s life.
She is, in fact, exquisite.	The speaker praises the wife, admitting that she is perfect in many ways, perhaps more than herself.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February	The wife brings excitement and brightness, even in the bleakest times of life.
and as real as a cast-iron pot.	The wife is solid, practical, and grounded, contrasting with the speaker’s more fleeting and ephemeral nature.
Let’s face it, I have been momentary.	The speaker admits that her presence in the lover’s life is temporary, emphasizing her transitory role in his life compared to his wife.
A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.	The speaker describes herself as a luxury item, something exotic and appealing but not necessary, like a boat that’s admired but not used daily.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.	The speaker’s fleeting, ephemeral quality is compared to smoke, suggesting that she is passing by, ungraspable.
Littleneck clams out of season.	Like out-of-season clams, the speaker’s relationship with the lover is indulgent, possibly forbidden, and outside the ordinary routine of life.
She is more than that. She is your have to have,	The speaker contrasts herself with the wife, acknowledging that the wife is essential, not just a luxury or indulgence.
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.	The wife has nurtured and helped the lover grow in a grounded, practical, and even exotic way, symbolizing his personal development.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.	The wife is steady and constant; their marriage is not a test or trial, but a harmonious, lasting relationship.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,	The wife is capable and takes care of the details, managing the practical aspects of their shared life, symbolized by the care for a small boat.
has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,	The wife brings beauty and care to daily life, enriching their home environment in thoughtful ways.
sat by the potter’s wheel at midday,	She is creative and productive, perhaps nurturing not just the family but also artistic pursuits.
set forth three children under the moon,	The wife has given birth to and raised their children, described poetically as being “under the moon,” implying tenderness and care during nighttime rituals.
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,	The children are idealized as angelic, reminiscent of classical art by Michelangelo, suggesting perfection and beauty.
done this with her legs spread out	The wife has endured the pain and effort of childbirth, emphasizing her physical sacrifice for the family.
in the terrible months in the chapel.	The wife’s labor and pain are likened to a religious ordeal, emphasizing the seriousness and suffering involved in motherhood.
If you glance up, the children are there	The children are ever-present, part of the wife’s legacy and a constant reminder of her role in the lover’s life.
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.	The children are depicted as fragile and weightless, representing the tender and gentle nature of the family life the wife has built.
She has also carried each one down the hall	The wife has physically and emotionally cared for the children, walking them to bed after dinner.
after supper, their heads privately bent,	The intimacy between mother and child is emphasized, with the children’s heads resting on her, suggesting closeness and trust.
two legs protesting, person to person,	The children resist being carried, as children do, but it highlights the personal connection between mother and child.
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.	The wife sings to the children, showing tenderness and care as they drift off to sleep.
I give you back your heart.	The speaker relinquishes the lover back to his wife, acknowledging that his true heart belongs to her.
I give you permission —	The speaker formally gives her lover permission to return fully to his wife, letting go of any claims to him.
for the fuse inside her, throbbing	The wife’s inner passions and desires, perhaps her unresolved anger or intensity, are acknowledged.
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her	The wife’s potential for anger and strong emotions is recognized, acknowledging her complexity beyond the image of perfection.
and the burying of her wound —	The wife’s pain, possibly caused by the affair, is mentioned, but she is also seen as suppressing or enduring it.
for the burying of her small red wound alive —	The wife’s emotional wound is still alive, not fully healed, but she keeps it hidden and continues on.
for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,	The wife’s quiet, ongoing emotions are symbolized by a weak but persistent flame, suggesting that she still feels deeply but suppresses it.
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,	The wife contains a hidden passion or wildness, represented by the “drunken sailor,” which she keeps under control.
for the mother’s knee, for the stocking,	The wife is both maternal and sensual, represented by the nurturing “mother’s knee” and the more sexual image of stockings.
for the garter belt, for the call —	The garter belt emphasizes the wife’s sexuality, and the “call” hints at a deep, primal connection between her and the lover.
the curious call	The call symbolizes a strong, undeniable bond between the wife and the lover, which draws him back to her.
when you will burrow in arms and breasts	The lover seeks comfort and connection with the wife, physically and emotionally.
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair	The “orange ribbon” symbolizes innocence or beauty, an intimate gesture that represents the lover’s return to familiar love.
and answer the call, the curious call.	The lover responds to the deep, instinctual pull toward his wife, emphasizing the inevitability of his return to her.
She is so naked and singular	The wife is described as bare and unique, emphasizing her authenticity and individuality.
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.	The wife embodies everything the lover is and desires, his ideal match.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.	The wife is likened to a monument, something solid, unchanging, and worthy of admiration, symbolizing her permanence and strength.
She is solid.	The wife is unwavering and dependable, a contrast to the speaker’s more fragile and transient nature.
As for me, I am a watercolor.	The speaker compares herself to a watercolor painting, suggesting that she is delicate, fleeting, and impermanent.
I wash off.	The speaker acknowledges her impermanence, fading away like watercolor when exposed to water, symbolizing the end of her affair with the lover and her acceptance that she cannot compete with the wife’s enduring presence.

Literary And Poetic Devices: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Device	Definition	Example	Explanation
Metaphor	A figure of speech comparing two unlike things without using “like” or “as.”	“She is all harmony.”	The speaker compares the lover’s wife to a harmonious state, suggesting a sense of balance and completeness.
Simile	A figure of speech comparing two unlike things using “like” or “as.”	“I am a watercolor.”	The speaker compares herself to a watercolor, implying a temporary and easily erased nature.
Personification	Giving human qualities to non-human things.	“The children are there like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.”	The children are compared to balloons, suggesting their innocence and fragility.
Alliteration	The repetition of the same consonant sound at the beginning of words.	“She is all there.”	The repetition of the “s” sound emphasizes the completeness and totality of the wife.
Assonance	The repetition of the same vowel sound within words.	“She is all there.”	The repetition of the “a” sound creates a sense of unity and wholeness.
Imagery	The use of vivid language to create mental images.	“Fireworks in the dull middle of February”	The speaker creates a vivid image of unexpected excitement and passion.
Symbolism	The use of objects or images to represent abstract ideas.	“The garter belt”	The garter belt symbolizes sexuality, desire, and the seductive power of the wife.
Enjambment	The continuation of a sentence or thought beyond the end of a line of poetry.	“She is all there. / She was melted carefully down for you”	Enjambment creates a sense of urgency and flow, mirroring the speaker’s emotions.
Repetition	The repeated use of words or phrases.	“She is all there.”	The repetition emphasizes the importance and significance of the wife.
Hyperbole	Exaggeration for effect.	“She has grown you your practical your tropical growth.”	The speaker exaggerates the wife’s influence on the lover’s life.
Paradox	A statement that seems contradictory but expresses a truth.	“She is so naked and singular”	The wife is both exposed and unique, suggesting a complex and paradoxical nature.
Irony	A contrast between what is expected and what actually happens.	“Let’s face it, I have been momentary.”	The speaker ironically acknowledges her own temporary nature in the face of the wife’s enduring presence.
Allusion	A reference to a famous person, place, thing, or event.	“three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo”	The allusion to Michelangelo’s cherubs emphasizes the beauty and perfection of the children.
Connotation	The emotional associations attached to a word.	“The drunken sailor”	The phrase “drunken sailor” suggests a dangerous, unpredictable, and potentially destructive element within the wife.
Denotation	The literal meaning of a word.	“The stocking”	The stocking denotes a piece of clothing, but it also carries connotations of femininity and sexuality.
Metonymy	The use of the name of one thing to represent something related to it.	“She is all there.”	“All there” represents the entirety of the wife’s being.
Synecdoche	The use of a part to represent the whole, or vice versa.	“I give you back your heart.”	“Heart” represents the entire person and their love.
Antithesis	The juxtaposition of contrasting ideas or images.	“I am a watercolor. / I wash off.”	The speaker contrasts her temporary nature with the wife’s enduring presence.
Anaphora	The repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of successive clauses or sentences.	“For the fuse inside her, throbbing / angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her / and the burying of her wound —”	Anaphora creates a sense of urgency and intensity.
Oxymoron	A combination of contradictory terms.	“practical your tropical growth”	The phrase “practical your tropical growth” suggests a combination of practicality and spontaneity.

Themes: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

1. The Inevitability of Separation and Loss: Sexton explores the painful reality of separation and loss in this poem. The speaker acknowledges that her relationship with the lover is ultimately temporary, and the inevitability of their parting casts a shadow over their love. This theme is evident in lines like “Let’s face it, I have been momentary” and “I give you back your heart.”
2. The Power of Love and Devotion: Despite the inevitability of separation, Sexton also highlights the enduring power of love and devotion. The speaker expresses deep affection for the lover, and her words reveal the intensity of her feelings. The wife’s role as the “sum of [the lover’s] self and [his] dream” underscores her significance in his life and the profound impact of their relationship.
3. The Complexities of Female Identity and Sexuality: Sexton delves into the complexities of female identity and sexuality through her portrayal of the wife. The wife is presented as a multifaceted figure, embodying both nurturing qualities and passionate desires. Her “small red wound alive” suggests a hidden, sensual aspect of her personality, while her role as a mother and homemaker highlights her traditional feminine qualities.
4. The Conflict Between Passion and Domesticity: The poem explores the tension between passion and domesticity. The speaker’s passionate love for the lover contrasts with the wife’s more settled and domestic life. This conflict is evident in the juxtaposition of the speaker’s “bright red sloop in the harbor” with the wife’s “three children under the moon.”

Literary Theories and “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Literary Theory	Application to “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton
Feminist Theory	Feminist theory examines gender roles, power dynamics, and the oppression of women. In this poem, the speaker is the “other woman” who compares herself unfavorably to the lover’s wife. The wife is seen as the “ideal woman” who fulfills traditional gender roles (e.g., childbirth, homemaking), while the speaker is a temporary pleasure. The poem critiques societal expectations of women’s roles in relationships, highlighting how the speaker feels like an outsider compared to the wife, who is depicted as essential and practical. Feminist theory could also explore the power imbalance between the wife and the speaker, as both women are affected by the man’s desires.
Psychoanalytic Theory	This theory, particularly influenced by Freud, looks at the subconscious motivations of characters. In this poem, the speaker’s emotional struggle reflects feelings of inadequacy, desire, and loss. The wife, cast as the “mother figure,” is nurturing and essential, while the speaker is a temporary figure of desire. The poem explores deep psychological tensions, such as the lover’s return to a familiar and comforting figure (the wife) versus the temporary passion and freedom he experiences with the speaker. From a psychoanalytic perspective, the speaker’s feelings of being “momentary” could reflect her subconscious fears of rejection and impermanence.
Marxist Theory	Marxist theory examines class structures, power, and materialism in literature. In this poem, the relationship between the speaker and the wife can be interpreted through the lens of power and value. The wife represents stability, practicality, and the “need to have” (what is materially valuable), while the speaker is a “luxury” (something enjoyed but not essential). Marxist theory might interpret this as a reflection of the speaker’s understanding of her social or economic worth, as well as the lover’s return to his wife as an act of maintaining stability and social order, rather than pursuing fleeting pleasure.

Critical Questions about “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Literary Works Similar to “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

1. “Daddy” by Sylvia Plath: Both poems explore themes of love, loss, and the complexities of female identity, with a focus on the destructive nature of certain relationships.
2. “Lady Lazarus” by Sylvia Plath: Both poems feature strong female protagonists who defy societal expectations and explore themes of rebirth and transformation.
3. “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Eliot: Both poems grapple with themes of alienation, anxiety, and the fear of aging, with a focus on the inner turmoil of the speaker.
4. “My Last Duchess” by Robert Browning: Both poems explore the theme of obsession and control, with a focus on the possessive nature of male characters.
5. “Dulce et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen: Both poems explore the horrors of war and the human cost of conflict, with a focus on the suffering and sacrifice of soldiers.

Suggested Readings: “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Representative Quotations of “For My Lover, Returning to His Wife” by Anne Sexton

Quotation	Context	Theoretical Perspective
“She is all there.”	The poem opens with the speaker acknowledging the wife’s completeness, implying that the wife possesses qualities that the speaker lacks.	Feminist Theory: Highlights the speaker’s internalization of societal expectations of women as “whole” and essential.
“Let’s face it, I have been momentary.”	The speaker admits her temporary role in the lover’s life, emphasizing her transient existence in contrast to the wife’s permanence.	Psychoanalytic Theory: Reflects the speaker’s subconscious sense of inadequacy and impermanence.
“She is your have to have.”	The speaker recognizes the wife as a necessity in the lover’s life, someone essential to his existence and stability.	Marxist Theory: The wife is valued as a “need,” while the speaker is a luxury, reflecting social and material roles.
“I give you back your heart.”	The speaker formally relinquishes the lover, returning him to his rightful place with his wife.	Psychoanalytic Theory: Represents the speaker’s emotional resolution and subconscious guilt for disrupting the marriage.
“Fireworks in the dull middle of February / and as real as a cast-iron pot.”	The wife is described as both exciting and practical, highlighting her multifaceted role in the lover’s life.	Feminist Theory: The wife embodies both traditional domesticity and vibrancy, reflecting idealized feminine roles.
“I wash off.”	The speaker concludes by comparing herself to a watercolor that fades, accepting her impermanence.	Feminist Theory: The speaker accepts her inability to exist in the lover’s permanent life, reflecting her instability.
“Climb her like a monument, step after step.”	The wife is portrayed as a solid and reliable structure, something the lover can rely on and build upon.	Marxist Theory: The wife represents stability and permanence, necessary for the lover’s social and emotional life.
“for the fuse inside her, throbbing / angrily in the dirt.”	The speaker acknowledges the wife’s internal anger, perhaps caused by the affair, but repressed beneath her outward composure.	Psychoanalytic Theory: Reveals the wife’s hidden emotional depth and repression, suggesting an inner conflict.
“She is so naked and singular.”	The speaker emphasizes the wife’s raw and authentic presence in the lover’s life, positioning her as the lover’s true partner.	Feminist Theory: Highlights the wife’s authenticity and unique position, making her essential in contrast to the speaker.
“A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.”	The speaker views herself as a temporary indulgence or luxury, something the lover enjoys but does not need for survival.	Marxist Theory: The speaker symbolizes a non-essential pleasure, reflecting the idea of class and material hierarchy.